Love Meter
I have a dirty little secret. Love doesn’t come naturally for me. It is something I must choose to do and be. I have discovered in the past few years that the issue wasn’t just giving love, it was also in receiving love. My receiver was broken!
For what I am doing,
I do not not understand.
For what I will to do, that I do not practice;
but what I hate, that I do.
Romans 7:15
The first time I realized my love deficit was when I had my own children. I was told that birthing a baby would be difficult, but there would be this glorious moment when I saw my child for the first time and would fall madly in love. It didn’t happen. After nine months of constant nausea, 36 hours of labor and an emergency c-section, I opened my eyes to look on the face of a hungry baby and wasn’t 100% confident she was mine. They said I should trust the plastic bracelet on our wrists that said otherwise and take her home. So I did.
It was the exhaustion of dealing with colic, day and night feedings and then, surprise, another sibling on the way three months later. Hello nausea, my old friend.
I was a nurse, teacher, chef, financial manager, housekeeper, etc. all rolled up into one, paid in artwork and kisses. I’ll never forget their proud faces bringing me my prized tulips flopping in their tight fists because I deserved something pretty.
When my kids were sound asleep at night, I would collapse on the couch as the relief washed over me. We made it through another day. Everyone, alive and accounted for.
I was trying to perfectly hold it all together. But with three toddlers under foot, there was always a problem. Diaper blowouts, goose egg head bruises, bleeding wounds, spilled milk. One night, their father said that I spoke of our day like it was a horrible nightmare. He wondered if I even loved our children.
I was horrified. Once again, I had failed as a mother.
Then I stumbled on MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers), a wonderful organization where love was modeled, and the training and care of children was taught. I learned to be confident in what I learned. I could be an example of a great mother, without feeling anything.
My love became a carefully synchronized performance. It was the rare and precious oil in my survival skills toolbelt.
A new commandment I give to you,
that you love one another;
as I have loved you, that you also love one another.
John 13:35
It wasn’t until a few years ago that I came to realize that my heart was dysfunctional, even broken. I came to this awareness in the safe and confidential environment of a Freedom Fighters session. They shared the good news that Jesus came to heal the broken-hearted (Isaiah 61:1).
Babies that don’t receive milk when they cry, are silent when they are starving. Whether it was a birth defect or learned behavior, God desired me to have a healed heart. A heart that could first receive His love and then carry out His love to others.
When I felt the love of God fill me for the first time, I was on my knees at the couch in the living room giving up on all my feeble attempts at trying to BE what I could not.
I just had to ask.
His love was like liquid washing into me. It poured and filled to overflowing.
That’s how God is. He always gives more than enough so you splash around on others. It changes everything.
It was time to thrive instead of merely survive.
What was normal wasn’t best. I needed and wanted more.
Heal the sick,
cleanse the lepers,
raise the dead,
cast out demons.
Freely you have received,
freely give.
Matthew 10:8
I poured myself into others I didn’t know for hours several times a week over several years. I was loving, fighting, believing, and seeing their healings and deliverances. I served as a bridge so that they, too, would know Jesus as the Love and Healing Provider.
My testimony merged with theirs as we moved into healing and wholeness together.
A little over a year ago, I was spending time with the Lord when He told me it was time to get out of the box.
What box? I asked.
The boxes of ministry.
I was concerned. What would I do? I had built my community and family around the ministries I served in.
So I dragged my feet for six months.
Three days after I gave my notice, I met Jeremy, my wonderful husband. He loves strangers and family the same. He loves unconditionally.
Now my outpouring of love has changed to focus on family. In the past month I have come to love people I didn’t even know existed six months ago. This deep love is being born out of the fires of tragedy.
We lost Jeremy’s sister Valerie and Hank, her husband and Jeremy’s childhood friend, in January. Zach, his son, passed from us to Heaven in April.
Last weekend, we had our grandchildren (ages 3, 4, 5 yrs.) stay with us until the memorial service of their father. I am their Grandma Chicken who they never knew before but do now. They know they are loved, having tasted my human love pouring from my healed heart, infused with the overflowing love of Jesus.
I will forever see that little face pressed on the window, tapping, tapping. I look to see what is needed as we prepare a bonfire for roasting hot dogs. “I love you, Grandma Chicken!”
I will forever see a little one cuddled up in my lap during worship at church. I lean down and kiss her on the head and say, “I love you.” She turns to her sister, kisses her on the head, and says, “I love you.”
I will forever see my granddaughter in the driveway fighting against getting into the car because she must tell me one last thing. “I love Jesus, Grandma!”
Exhausted and exhilarated, Jeremy and I poured out as living sacrifices into the lives of the littles. It is a good place of ministry to be.
Song Child of Love by We the Kingdom
In conclusion, I challenge you to check the calibration of your love. For, as I have testified, not all love is real love. It quite possibly is people pleasing or performance. If you want fruit that will endure, you must get your love from God.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
Does my love lack, run out or fail?
Does my love keep track of hurtful things done to me or demand justice?
Is my love only for those who love me?
Do you find a deficit? There’s no need for shame or guilt. Merely go to our good Father and ask for it.
Father, fill us to overflowing with Your love. Teach us to forgive as Jesus did by praying, “Father, forgive them for they don’t know what they do.” (Luke 23:34) Please increase our love (Colossians 2:19). Make us one (John 17:22). In a dark and decaying world, let us be known for our love (John 13:35).
